One Last Hope
by In A Tizzy
Summary: Prequel to Life's Connections. With fears mounting as her father's health declines, Jing Mei considers her available options for a family of her own. After his death, she struggles with the hardships of single motherhood, balancing family life with work.
1. Preconceptions

**Preconceptions**

This story starts by finishing a conversation between Carter and Deb from the Season 10 episode Just a Touch which aired on 4/22/2004.

Carter is seated at a table in the break room trying to decide on a nursery theme when Deb comes in. As they talk about nursery colors, Carter realizes that it may be a painful subject for her. She tells him she been thinking about her baby a lot, ever since her mom died and her dad got really sick. She's afraid of being alone when he dies. The last of the conversation we see goes like this:

Carter: Have you ever gone to see him?

Deb: shakes her head no

Carter: Maybe you should.

Deb: Maybe I should have kept him. I'm mean, he is 3 years old now.

"Why don't you go see him?"

She drew a breath. "Part of the adoption agreement is that I don't, not until he's 18 and wants to see me."

"Sounds like you need to get busy" Carter said with resolve.

"Busy?"

"Finding that great guy that's out there for you" his tone low and sweet.

Deb let out a pop of air through her nose in somewhat of a disheartened chuckle.

"He's there" Carter compassionately insisted.

She shook her head "I don't think so, I think that opportunity has passed me by."

"Deb" he countered.

"No John, really. Look at me. I'm 34 years old. Never been married, Never been engaged. Never been…" She took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "I think I'm more likely to be struck by lightning."

Carter rose from his seated position at the table and walked over to her. Putting his hand on her arm, he compassionately told her it would happen for her.

She painfully searched the floor, shaking her head from side to side. "I'll never have a family in a traditional sense."

"It'll happen Deb." Carter did his best to be reassuring.

She looked up into his eyes. "You should let your baby call me Aunt Deb."

Rather surprised by the comment, Carter replied as if it were a joke. "Well, I'll have to run that by Kem".

"I'm serious John. When my dad dies, you'll be the closest thing I have to family."

He looked into her eyes and saw the emptiness she was feeling. He recognized it because he'd felt it too. That is, before he met Kem. He put his arms around her and gently pulled her to himself and whispered in her ear "you'll have children of your own someday Deb. I promise".

The break room door swung open and Chuny appeared. Seeing the look on her face, the hug was mutually ended and both fumbled an explanation of concern for her father's health. Chuny nodded "Carter there's a guy out there, says he's a notary".

"Yeah, I've got papers to sign, can you send him in?"

"You got it" Chuny said as she left the room.

"They should have my dad settled in his room by now, I'm going…" her voice trailed off. The more her father's health declined, the greater her fear of being alone grew.

Carter watched her leave, wondering what he could do to help her out.


	2. To Donate or Not to Donate

**To Donate or Not to Donate**

Carter woke up with both his women on his mind. He showered, shaved, got dressed and went downstairs to start the coffee maker and toast a bagel. He wanted to help Deb, and had an idea on how he could do that, but he wasn't so sure it would go over well with Kem. It could in fact, really piss her off.

Deb considered him family and he rather considered her family too. But not in the traditional sense of course. She certainly wasn't his sister. There'd been times when he considered having a romantic relationship with her. The only thing that really stopped him from pursuing that was her preference for black men.

She does have the same taste in men as she does her coffee. This may not be something she's interested in anyway. But this is a child, a baby, a way for her to create a family if that great guy out there doesn't make himself known. If she ever did feel the need to do this, wouldn't it be better if the sperm donor was someone she knew and loved rather than some nameless, faceless number on a cryopreservation tank?

And Kem, how would she take it? How would she deal with the knowledge that he had a biological child with another woman? Kem knew about Deb, but they never interacted. Why? Was it a jealousy thing? Could she understand that Deb was facing a lifetime alone, a lifetime without a family of her own? That he didn't want that for her? He just wanted her to be happy too? Have someone to share her life with, someone that would love her the way she deserved to be loved?

He sliced the bagel in half and set it in the toaster. He was so happy to be having this baby with Kem, was it so wrong that he wanted Deb to experience a happy pregnancy? The coffee maker signaled its contents were ready. He poured himself a cup. He looked forward to the days ahead, to the baby's birth, to fatherhood, marriage. He was going to have a wonderful, happy life. "Ching", he retrieved the bagel from the toaster and slathered it with cream cheese. The way things are now, Deb was looking at a life considerably less than wonderful and happy.

He got out his travel mug and filled it to the brim with piping hot coffee. He grabbed the mug, his bag and his keys and headed to the hospital. The entire trip in was spent going back and forth with the pros and cons of helping Deb and evaluating Kem's ability to understand his need to help her.

Arriving at work, he put the internal argument on hold. There were patients to see, traumas to handle, management to please. But the commute home was round two. He spent the night tossing and turning over round three. But with the morning light, came a resolve.

First thing after breakfast, was a trip to the Urology Center near the hospital. He pushed open the glass door that led into the waiting room. Professionally appointed, but sparsely populated, it made the trip to the reception window a bit easier. The receptionist opened the glass to greet him and he made his request "I'd like to set up an account for a designated recipient."


	3. Sperm Account

**Sperm Account**

He'd been making deposits for three months now. No one knew, except of course for the staff at the neurology center. A lot had changed in those three months. His son was stillborn. Grieved beyond her ability to accept the loss, Kem moved back to the Congo. She was inconsolable; nothing he tried eased her pain. The life and family he thought he would have now vanished in one tragic instant and he had no idea how to get it back.

Deb too, was facing her share of challenges. Her father's condition had become worse and it was getting increasingly more difficult for her to manage his care. It didn't help that Pratt drove into the river during a road rage incident while she was in the car. She is still in a cast. Damn, sometimes that man doesn't think! It was his own fault though. If he had taken the time to talk to her that day, she wouldn't have been in his car in the first place.

Maybe he would tell her today. Maybe he could make her world a little better. God knows he couldn't make his own better. He grabbed his keys and the brown paper sack by the door. Out in the warm summer air, the bright sunshine lifted his mood. He got into his jeep, rolled the window down and the radio up. Driving over to Deb's with the wind blowing through his hair, he felt a bit reckless. He was definitely going to tell her today.

He knocked on the door. She opened it looking tired and weak, but glad to see him just the same.

"I brought back your dishes" he said, lifting the sack for her to take note of it. "Thank you for bringing us meals and trying to help after the baby…"

With a small smile, she nodded. "Come on in, sorry the place is a mess. My father and the maid had a disagreement. She came out on the losing end."

Looking around it was hard to detect the mess. "When did that happen, this morning?" That got a little more of smile out of her. "I'll put these in the kitchen for you".

When Carter returned from the kitchen, Jing Mei was helping her father back into his bed. "Here let me help you with that" and he quickened his pace to take hold of the older man's other arm. "How are you today Mr. Chen?" he asked as they got him settled in place.

His response was rather incoherent. Jing Mei explained that his meds were kicking in and they made him sleepy. Looking at the medicine bottles on the bedside table, Carter noted "looks like he'll be taking a nice nap".

She started hooking the leads back up for the monitor. "That's why I insisted on the monitor. He's scared me one too many times."

"Didn't take him long" Carter said as he started snoring.

"Never does, he sort of a light weight". Jing Mei lovingly tucked the blanket around her father.

Satisfied her father would be fine for a little while, she asked "Can I offer you a Coke?"

"Sounds good".

They walked into the spacious kitchen, grabbed a couple of Cokes out of the Sub Zero refrigerator and sat down at the table in the breakfast room.

"How's it going Deb?"

"It'll be better next week when I can get this cast off" she said hopefully.

"How are you doing with your father's long term outlook?"

She crinkled her nose and squirmed a bit.

"You're still apprehensive about being" he did not have to finish the question, she knew where he was going and silently made a slight nod.

He reached over and put his hand on hers. "Deb, I have something for you to consider." His tone was serious.

She bit her lip and raised her eyebrows.

"I know that you think having a family of your own is something that won't happen for you."

She made a silent gesture of agreement.

He continued "So I wanted to give you a way to make it happen, _if you want_."

She looked at him with confusion, unable to figure out where he was going.

"I set up an account for you, an account that's just for you, no one else."

"I don't need money John."

Looking her directly in the eye, he told her "It's a sperm account."

She leaned back in her chair. "What?"

"I set up a sperm account for you. There's about a three month supply on deposit for you to use _if_ or _when_ you feel you need to."

"You made the deposits?" she asked almost in disbelief. But this was John Carter after all, his most basic need was to be needed and this was a huge way he could serve in that capacity.

"mm hmm" he humbly acknowledged.

"That's probably the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me, but I can't accept."

"Why not?" Hurt by the rejection, he needed to know why in order to overcome it.

"Don't you think it'd be kind of weird? We work together. You…" she searched for her words, but couldn't come up with them.

"I'm going to find a way to get Kem back. She's talking to me again, emailing me more. If I have to, I'll move back to the Congo to be with her." He took a deep breath and reached out for her hand with both of his. "If I go to the Congo, I want to know you'll be okay; you won't be alone."

She was touched by his compassion, but concerned it might jeopardize his own happiness. "Does she know you did this?"

"No."

"You going to tell her?"

"If we're living in the Congo, I don't see the point."

She looked into his eyes with a combination of empathy for the loneliness he felt for Kem and an appreciation for the graciousness of his gift to her.

Carter inspected his half empty Coke can before taking a sip. "Look, if that great guy comes along and you don't need it, don't use it. But if you ever feel like that's not going to happen and you need to start things on your own, you have a way."

John was a great guy. He always seemed to be there when she needed him. Sometimes, she didn't even know she needed him, but he was there anyway. She decided to accept the gift for what it was, but didn't want to get all mushy about it. That wasn't what their friendship was about. "So is it true they have porn in those donation rooms?"

Carter let out a small chuckle. "Yeah, but all my donating was done when Kem wasn't here."

"So you were horny as hell and didn't need the visual aids?" she teased.

Another small chuckle escaped from Carter's mouth. Again searching his Coke can, he answered "Pretty much".

"John?" softly, she got his attention.

He looked up at her, "Yes."

"Thank you."


	4. Rainy With a Chance of Sun

**Rainy With a Chance of Sun**

She spent her disability leave preparing for the fact that she'd have to go back to work. She put her condo up for sale and moved back into her father's house. This way she didn't have to keep up with two sets of household bills and chores. She hired an additional nurse to cover the time she'd be at work so that her father had the round-the-clock care he now needed.

Her days were out of focus, blurred together in the numbness that was her world. Up at 5:30am, she quickly got herself ready so she could make breakfast for her father, make sure he took his meds and turnover to the nurse any new developments she needed to be aware of. At work at 7am, she'd spend the day patching and repairing the hapless souls that ended up at County. With any luck, she'd be out of there by 8 or so that evening and home before nine. When she got home, she'd see to her father's needs until he'd fall asleep around midnight.

Days she didn't have a shift were no easier. These were the days for medical appointments, her father's investment and business appointments she was now taking care of, household chores, and if she was really lucky, she just might find a little time to work on the article Kerry Weaver wanted her to publish or the study that would bring in some grant money for hospital. She needed to find some time to do these things. It was expected of attendings and pretty much required for the tenure she hoped to have in a few years.

Not having much time for anything of a personal nature may have been a blessing. She actually took time to have coffee with John today. He was so insistent. They walked along the river on their break. Just a bit on the cool side, the early fall air felt so refreshing to her soul. John was concerned about how she was handling everything and she just didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to think about how much she missed her mother or just how much her father's health had declined or how much of her life now revolved around him exclusively. She just wanted to enjoy the walk. But the weight she carried couldn't be ignored in the short respite. Much as she didn't want to, she broke down and cried on his shoulder.

Now, she was laying in this bed at 1am not wanting to think about the fact that the last time she had a date was before her parents' car accident last year. The last time she had sex? Who the hell knows how long that's been. She couldn't even remember any more. Her life was a whirlwind of dealing with the sick, the dying, the injured and the dead. Did she just say "her life"? What life? This isn't life. This is merely existing; breathing in, breathing out, making it from one day to the next on auto pilot. Life is more than that.

She reasoned that this was only temporary; that this too would pass. But what then? What will she have when the storm clears? Who will still be in her life? Her parents would be gone. John's thinking he's going to need to move back to the Congo to get Kem back. In all likelihood, he'd be gone. Susan? Now that she had Chuck and Cosmo, they never saw each other outside of work anymore. Abby? They hadn't really hung out together since she went back to med school. She was a little jealous of her though, she did have time for men occasionally. Men, who are they again? Greg? She cramped his style, the damn flirt.

This was far too depressing. She had to stop. She couldn't keep thinking this way. It's self destructive. It can't lead to any good. She resolved to keep focused on what positive she could find and not keep hashing over all the negative going on in her life.

It seemed the first step was to find something life affirming, something to smile about, something reachable and attainable, right here and right now. She remembered John's gift, the gift that held the possibility of new life.

His gift gave her hope for the future and rest for her mind today. She'd go ahead and start treatment. Knowing she could possibly be carrying life within her soon lifted her spirits. Tomorrow promised to be brighter, just because of the possibility that she wouldn't be facing it alone. Stressed and overwhelmed as she was, pregnancy wasn't likely, but she wasn't going to think about that. She was just going to stay focused on the positive possibility.

"Eat your heart out Scarlett O'Hara" she told herself softly. She closed her eyes and slept peacefully until 5:30am.


	5. IUI

IUI

At 5:30am, Jing Mei's alarm clock went off. Though she'd only had three or so hours of sleep, her day had to begin. With her new hope in place, she got up and showered, combed her hair, brushed her teeth and got dressed. She'd let her hair drip dry until she got to work where she'd pull it back into a pony tail. Makeup, forget it. Au natural was the look of choice.

She went downstairs and helped her father with his morning routine. She walked him to the bathroom. Closing the privacy door behind him allowed him to relieve himself with dignity. She retrieved his hairbrush, soap and wash cloth, toothpaste and toothbrush, setting them all neatly on the counter with care. She pulled a small chair in front of the sink. When her father was done on the other side of the door, she helped him into the chair.

While her father took care of his grooming, she went to the kitchen and made him breakfast. She started a pot of coffee. She heated up a bowl congee, portioned out from the large pot she made on Sunday. She cut up some fresh fruit and set up a breakfast tray for her dad and another for herself.

With her dad back in his hospital bed, she put his breakfast tray in front of him and dispensed his morning meds. She set her own tray next to the chair by his bed. Her father was having a good morning so far and they had a pleasant breakfast together. She was able to eat a bit and have a conversation with him. She was glad she was able to enjoy her father that morning. His health wouldn't permit this much longer. The morning nurse came and Jing Mei was off to work.

Though she had only three hours of sleep, her hair was simply pulled back in a pony tail and she wore no makeup, Luka, Jerry and Abby all commented on her looking particularly well today. What a difference attitude makes when you're sleep deprived she thought. She stole away some time to sneak in a call to the fertility clinic. They'd take her this afternoon at 4pm.

At 3:55 she took her lunch break, walking over to the fertility clinic. It was in the same building as the urology center John used to make his donations, just two floors up. The receptionist handed her a clipboard with a large number of forms to fill out and she sat down and got to work on them.

Twenty minutes later she was in Dr. Watson's office. "So you're interested in intrauterine insemination with a designated, non-partner donor?" Jing Mei nodded. It sounded so matter of fact, like the medicine she practiced, not like an act of love that creates a life. "With frozen sperm, IUI has a 10% chance of success per cycle. We can bring up those odds by using fresh sperm".

"Let's start with where we are, with the frozen sperm." Ten percent chance was actually comfortable odds given the enormous load she carried between caring for her father and her job as a doctor in a busy, urban hospital.

"Okay" Dr. Watson said "if we're not achieving the results we want in a few months, we can always change to fresh sperm or go to IVF".

Jing Mei nodded. "So what happens now?"

"First, I'll examine you, make sure everything is in good working order. We'll start you on Clomid, and on your way home, you're going to stop at the drug store and pick up an ovulation kit. Test for an LH surge each morning. When you get a positive result, call here and we'll get you in for the IUI the next day. The procedure takes just a few minutes and you can be back at work in the span of a coffee break."

It was not exactly the way she would have preferred, but it was a doable way to have the family she wanted. She had a 10% chance of having a baby under construction in just a few short weeks. Thinking about the new life that could soon be within her, she felt hopeful. She felt happy. This was good. This was something positive she could hang on to in the world that was disintegrating around her. "I'm ready, bring it on" she told Dr. Watson.

Thus two more things were added to her morning routine: taking the Clomid and peeing on the stick.


	6. Baby on Board

_Jing Mei is now in China and as she interacts with Chinese people, the conversation would obviously be in Chinese, but for readability, these conversations are presented in English._

**Baby on Board**

Jing Mei made the long trip to China with her father's body. Being able to emotionally handle the wake and burial was made possible only through the compassion of her distant relatives. Many who helped her through the difficult task of burying her mother just eight months ago, were beside her once again. The turn out was bigger for her father. Not only was he from a bigger family, he was also a highly respected doctor and wealthy man, well invested in business and real estate not just in the US, but in China as well. Numerous people she didn't even know, showed up to offer their prayers and show their respect.

After the burial, her grandfather's brother, now in his 80s, took her home with his family for the traditional clothes burning and to share a meal. She didn't feel like eating much, she was tired, exhausted really, but she did want to be with family. They told her lots of stories about her great grandparents, grandparents, parents and even a few of her as a child visiting them in China. She was grateful for the stories they shared. She would cherish them in heart at night when missing them would be the toughest.

It was nice to have family to share her grief and lift her spirits. Among her grandfather's brother's family were his grandson Chang Hai and his wife Rong Ning. That made them, what, second cousins? She didn't know and it didn't matter. They were about her age and a friendship as well as a family bond started to form.

Chang Hai and Rong Ning had a two year old daughter, Yin Shi, who touched Jing Mei's heart. Too young to understand what was going on, she was simply enchanted by the new relative who came from a far away place. She kept wanting to sit in her lap and be hugged, which warmly ministered to Jing Mei's grief ridden soul.

The long day over, she returned to her hotel. Travel weary, emotionally drained and physically spent, she felt nauseous and weak. Sleep was definitely in order. She crawled in bed, pulling the covers up tight, cocooning herself in the blankets. She slept soundly, not waking up until the maid accidently startled her late the next morning.

The restorative slumber rewarded her with a feeling of being part of the living world. She showered and got dressed. As she combed out her hair, she looked down at the vanity. It clearly expressed the state her world had been. All that lay there were her toothbrush and toothpaste. No make-up, no jewelry. Well, it was appropriate for mourning anyway, she thought. She fastened the black cloth that signified her state of grief onto her sleeve and went down to the hotel restaurant.

Hungry as she was, she was not tolerating the smells well. Her nauseous feeling returning, she ordered a bowl of clear broth and some plain rice and took it back up to her room. She curled back up in bed with her soup, rice and remote. She figured everything was catching up with her. She hadn't been able to properly mourn the loss of her mother due to her father's health concerns and now, she was actually grieving the loss of both her parents.

Life proceeded in much the same fashion for a week. She was getting sufficient rest, yet still suffering bouts of nausea daily. It seemed to be getting worse, extending further into the day and reoccurring in the evening. No fever, no headaches, no dizziness, she ruled out quite a bit. Could she possibly be? She did have the IUI procedure early in November. With the downturn in her father's health around Thanksgiving, she hadn't thought anything more about it until now. She hadn't had a period since that IUI come to think of it. Maybe she was pregnant. Too weak and nauseous to do anything more, she clicked the TV off and laid back down for another nap.

That afternoon she heard a knock at the door. Thinking it was the maid and not wanting to get up, lest she throw up, she called out "come on in". No one entered. Instead, there was another knock. She forced herself out of bed and upright. Opening the door revealed Rong Ning and Yin Shi. They came with a basket of homemade food. A wonderful thought, if not for her stomach churning in revolt.

"Jing Mei, you look very pale. Are you sick?"

"I think I'm pregnant. Morning sickness has definitely set in." And with that, she was in the bathroom demonstrating just how much morning sickness had set in.

Rong Ning was very concerned given her paleness, lack of engagement with the world outside her hotel room and the lateness of the hour of the morning sickness. "I'm taking you to my doctor right now" she insisted.

Jing Mei made no argument. She knew she needed to be seen by a doctor, she just didn't have the energy to find and go see one on her own. She was grateful for Rong Ning showing up and taking care of her.

Driving to the doctor's office, Rong Ning asked "you don't have a husband do you?"

Leaning back in her seat, eyes closed to ward off further morning sickness, she managed a weak "No."

"I'll tell the doctor your husband is in America. He's tied up with his work and couldn't make the trip." Rong Ning offered. She did not want to bring disgrace or dishonor to Jing Mei. In her weakened and nauseous state, Jing Mei made no attempt to disagree.

The doctor examined her and determined that she was indeed pregnant and calculated a due date of September 5. She was also severely dehydrated and undernourished for her state of pregnancy. A trip to the hospital was in order. In the hospital she was given IV fluids with nutritional supplements and monitored for her ability, or lack there of, to keep food down. Until she could keep enough food down to properly nourish the baby as well as herself, she'd remain there.

Rong Ning would visit her daily, sometimes by herself, sometimes with Chang Hai. She was turning out to be a wonderful friend. When Jing Mei was finally discharged three weeks later, Rong Ning and Chang Hai took her to their home. She would share a room with Yin Shi and they would watch and make sure her morning sickness stayed under control, that she was getting enough rest and enough to eat.

Unpacking, Jing Mei found her cell phone. She tried powering it up, but it was dead. With a little more rummaging, she found her charger and plugged it in. She hadn't missed much since she left Chicago. There were only a few calls. She retrieved her messages. County had called, they wanted her to come in for an exit interview. That one made her chuckle. Her father's lawyer called, he's going to start processing her parents' estate. That's good. Her real estate agent left a message that her condo was officially sold and the profit from the sale transferred to her bank account. She'd also found someone to rent her father's house until it sold. Excellent. And then there were a couple of calls from John. He was just calling to make sure she was doing all right because he hadn't heard from her since she left.

Yin Shi came in and wanted to play with her new roommate. Jing Mei found her to be a delight. She was so young and full of life, it was a blessing to spend time with her. She would call John back, but first she was going to spend a little time with this little ray of sunshine.


	7. Notifying Next of Kin

**Notifying Next of Kin**

Waking up that morning, Jing Mei looked out the window. Snow was still lightly falling, covering everything in a fresh blanket of snow. As the Year of the Rooster approached, she entered into her second trimester. Her morning sickness somewhat subsiding, she still felt a queasiness that sent her to the bathroom. Returning, she quietly, she got her clothes together and headed for the shower before Yin Shi woke up.

In the kitchen Rong Ning was already up and getting the morning meal ready. "How are you feeling this morning" she asked.

"Better, are there any steamed dumplings left" Jing Mei asked hopefully. It was a good sign that her morning sickness was beginning to lose its grip on her stomach. She usually couldn't handle anything more than some plain bread and weak tea.

Rong Ning took note "You are feeling better! Yes, we sure do." Jing Mei fixed herself a plate and the two women sat down at the table to talk over breakfast. "So how did you end up pregnant without a husband" Rong Ning asked. Jing Mei trusted her and felt like she could confide in her. Rong Ning had looked after her and protected her, it wasn't likely she would use the knowledge to do her harm.

With her chopsticks, she sort of picked at one of the dumplings. "A very good and sweet friend of mine wanted to make sure I wouldn't be alone. He banked his sperm for me to use if or when I felt I needed to."

"Why not do things the normal way?"

"The normal way was never going to happen for me" Jing Mei said wistfully as she put her chopsticks down and stared at her plate.

Sensing Jing Mei's disappointment over her longed for desire, Rong Ning asked "Does he know that you're pregnant?"

Jing Mei shook her head. "I still have to tell him, been waiting till I feel better".

"Are you feeling well enough to tell him now?"

Jing Mei nodded.

"You should tell him today. He's already missed your first trimester."

Jing Mei shook her head. "No, it's not like that. This isn't a baby we're having together."

Rong Ning looked at her with complete confusion. Obviously it made no sense to her. "How does a man love you enough to give you a child without loving you enough to make you his wife?"

Jing Mei was at a loss on how to answer the question. Western values could be quite puzzling when you don't have experience with the culture, she thought. If this confused her, it was probably better to not to mention that while he was donating his sperm to her, he was pining away after Kem or that by the time she left for China carrying the child conceived through his sperm, he had acquired a new girlfriend, while still pining over Kem.

She dodged the bullet when Chang Hai came into the kitchen with Yin Shi and the conversation immediately moved to a more suitable topic for mixed company. After breakfast he announced "We better get going or we'll be late for work".

Rong Ning and Chang Hai kissed their daughter goodbye and left for work. Rong Ning's parting words out the door: "make the call". Jing Mei said she would when Yin Shi took her nap. For the moment though, she was going to clear the breakfast table and then get Yin Shi dressed.

Morning sickness abated and feeling energetic, Jing Mei took Yin Shi out to play in the snow for a little while. The little girl smiled and laughed as she romped and played in the fluffy white wonderland. Together, they made a snowman and several snow angels. Jing Mei could not remember the last time she felt so good. She was truly happy. She had family here, she had roots here, a connection with people that really cared about her, wanted to be a part of her life and wanted her as a part of their life. She felt like she was in the place she belonged.

Later that afternoon, with all quiet, it was time for Jing Mei to make the call back to Chicago, to John. She called his cell, but got voice mail. Figuring he was at work, she called County. "Jerry hi! This is Jing Mei, is John there?... I'm fine, and you?... Yes I can hold." It was good to hear a familiar voice.

Moments later, Carter was on the line. "Deb?"

"Yeah, it's me" she said cheerfully.

"Hi! How are you?" he sounded very happy to hear from her.

"It's good to hear your voice John." A statement she truly meant. She hadn't realized how much she missed him until she heard his voice.

"I was worried about you. You didn't call."

"I had a kind of a rough time after my dad's funeral. Pretty sick, ended up in the hospital." She was easing into the news of her morning sickness.

"I'm not surprised, between your shifts here and taking care of your dad. It had to catch up with you. When are you coming home?"

"I'm thinking about staying."

"In China?" he asked like she couldn't possibly be serious.

"Mm hmm."

"Deb, I…" he sort of struggled with his words.

She tried once again to tell him about her pregnancy. "Everything's changed for me. This is a new start for my life, I"

"Deb, there's a trauma coming in, I gotta go, call you back later?"

"Okay" and then she was listening to the dial tone. "Bye" she said resignedly as she flipped her phone closed. She knew he had to go. Time was always critical in the ER.

As weeks passed, her belly grew, Winter gave way to Spring and a game of telephone tag was played. Each voice mail left was a tiny sliver of news about the others life. She knew he and Wendell had broken up, that he was funding the new wing at the hospital and that he finally had a plan to get Kem back.

What John knew was that she was living with her cousin for now and she had something important to tell him, she was working with the US embassy to secure a work visa and that she had something important to tell him, that she would soon start as a doctor training medical staff in trauma procedures here in China and she had something important to tell him. She could leave so much news in a voice mail, but not about her pregnancy. That she wanted to share in person, or at least in a live, real time conversation.

It was a beautiful day in the middle of May and Jing Mei with her blossoming belly, was looking at condos near the hospital where she would soon start as the Director of Trauma Services. She was looking for something not only close to the hospital, but also something family oriented – near a good preschool, park, entertainment and shopping. Her cell phone rang.

"Hi Deb!"a very cheerful John Carter was on the other end of the line. She knew immediately something was up, because it had to be around midnight in Chicago, which was a strange time to be so chipper.

"Hi John, how are you?" She was so, so glad to be speaking to him in person.

Carter was eager to share his news. Unable to contain himself, he simply gushed forth: "I went and saw Kem! We did a lot of talking and Deb, she's willing to try! I'm moving back to the Congo. We're going to run her clinic together. We're going to start all over again! We can get married and have babies!"

"That is great news!" she was happy for him. He was a great guy and deserved to be happy."When do you leave?"

"I'm on my way to the airport now."

"John, I'm very happy for you, you and Kem. I wish for you many, many years of wedded bliss, lots of children, and lots of happiness." She very much meant every word of it.

"Thanks, Deb" now shifting to a more serious tone "you know when I get to the Congo, I don't know how much I'll be able to call…"

"It's okay. You know a part of you is with me always." She gently patted her belly. She expected some sort of reply but none came. "John?" She looked at her phone, and seeing the call had been dropped, she navigated to the last incoming call and pressed the send button. The number rang twice and then a voice came on saying "The number you have reached is no longer in service. Please hang up and try your party again."

She looked over at Rong Ning "he's moving to Africa. I think that was the last call out before his Chicago service cut off."

"Did you get his new number?" Rong Ning asked.

"No" she said sadly "and I don't think he heard that last part".

It was probably just as well he didn't know, she thought. He and Kem had been through a lot when they lost their baby. They probably still had a lot they had to work through and knowing she had used his donation and was pregnant may have complicated things to a point they couldn't recover from. She'd give them time to make things work. Someday though, she'd find him and tell him.


	8. Welcome to the World

**Welcome to the World**

She had spent the last couple of months adjusting back to life on her own. She moved out of Chang Hai and Rong Ning's apartment into her own condo much closer to the Hospital where she worked. She'd been working as a doctor for 3 months now, getting acquainted with their processes and procedures. She would do this until the baby was born. After delivery, she'd work on her methodology and training materials until she was ready for "active duty" again.

She worked hard to make this her home. She got a new cell phone that wouldn't need a converter and had local phone number, she furnished her condo and set up the nursery. She made friends with her neighbors. She made it a point to get to know some of the local street vendors and shop owners. She was putting down permanent roots, laying the foundation on which she would build her new life.

When she lived with Chang Hai and Rong Ning, she shared a room with Yin Shi, even watching her when they were at work. She missed them terribly now. It helped that they still got together every other Saturday, but the days in between were hard. She clung to cherished stories about her parents and looked forward to the birth of her own child, a precious little someone she would love, nurture and raise in this new world.

She wouldn't have to wait long. On her last visit, her doctor had told her it could be any day now. She felt her belly tighten and then relax. For good measure, the baby kicked. It seemed the baby didn't like her uterus giving it the warning that time's about up. She had a feeling that today might see the onset of labor, so before her shift began, she called Rong Ning to put her on alert.

The day turned out to be a busy one. There was a 12 car accident on one of the freeways during the morning rush, with all the injured coming to them. Seven critical, four major, eight minor and they were neither staffed nor equipped to handle the load. They lost three. It was still difficult for her to deal with losing patients this way. She would change that. She would introduce them to true trauma procedures, from triage to treatment, and she would make improvements that would save lives and keep families in tact.

It would have to wait, however. At the moment, she was beginning to feel cramps that started in her back and radiated around to her belly. There were coming every ten minutes pretty consistently. Her coworkers encouraged her to go home and take it easy. She needed to rest up for active labor. One of them insisted on taking her home, so home she went.

She tried to get some rest but couldn't sleep through the contractions, they were progressing quite quickly. She called Rong Ning to tell her the contractions were about 6 minutes apart. Maybe it would have been better if she stayed out her shift. She'd still be at the hospital now. Though just blocks away, she knew she couldn't walk it. "Stay calm" she told herself out loud "stay calm", "breathe". The clock ticked a couple of hours away. She called Rong Ning again. She and Chang Hai were on their way. "Hurry" she told them, "the contractions are coming three to four minutes apart now. Use the key if I can't get to the door."

Suddenly, there was a gush of water between her legs. Her bag of waters burst with such a force that it ran down her legs and onto the floor. She thought about trying to clean up, but the contractions were coming too quickly, lasting too long. She went into the bathroom and grabbed her night shirt. She got undressed before having to stop for a contraction. She put on her night shirt before the next contraction. It came with such huge intensity, she could not stand. Her body buckled over the sink and all she could do was breathe through it.

Just a few contractions later she felt the overpowering urge to push. Oh my God, she thought, I'm having this baby right here, right now. God she needed to introduce the concept of 911! Breathe! Breathe! "Whooooooo" she let out a long exhale as the contraction ended. She tried thinking back to her first labor, she imagined herself at County, in a nice bed, John at her side, holding her hand and saying "squeeze my hand, squeeze my hand" as she went through each contraction. She could hear his voice in her head, calm and caring. With the next contraction she looped through the comforting words "squeeze my hand", "squeeze my hand", "whooooooooo" she exhaled as the contraction subsided.

"Get her! Lay her down!" Rong Ning had just arrived with her husband and was giving him direction. As he helped her to a prone position, Rong Ning positioned her legs in an up and spread 'em fashion. "The head's out Jing Mei! The head's out!"

With the next contraction she continued to hear John's voice "squeeze my hand", "squeeze my hand", as she beared down to push hard "whooooooooo".

"It's a…Girl! You've got a beautiful baby girl!" Rong Ning exclaimed. Chang Hai reached for a towel and handed it to his wife so she could wipe up the newborn. He dashed to the bedroom to get a pillow to put under Jing Mei's head. Rong Ning tenderly placed the new born baby on Jing Mei's chest. Tears of joy fell like rain as she held her new born daughter for the first time.

"Let's get the afterbirth out before moving you to the bed, okay" Rong Ning suggested. Jing Mei nodded. She wasn't ready to release her daughter from her arms even momentarily.

Chang Hai felt the need to snap a few pictures right there. Rong Ning admonished him, but he insisted his new niece would want to see the exact place she was born someday. The comment made both women laugh.

Rong Ning helped Jing Mei change into a clean nightshirt as Chang Hai prepared the bed with extra blankets and pillows to keep her comfy and warm through the new mama shakes. They helped her into bed and handed her new daughter to hold. Jing Mei gazed at her child nestled in her arms and whispered "Thank you John, more than you'll ever know". She looked up at Rong Ning and Chang Hai who were unabashedly smiling at her new addition "and thank you both so very, very much!"

Chang Hai immortalized the moment with another picture and then declared "Now all you have to do is name that beautiful little girl of yours!"

"She is so beautiful!" Rong Ning chimed in.

"She is beautiful, isn't she? That's what we're going to name her." Jing Mei smiled lovingly at her daughter as she lightly stroked her angelic face "Welcome to the world Mei Li."


	9. Bringing up Baby

**Bringing up Baby**

It was Monday, October 31st. Mei Li was exactly 2 months old. Where did the time go? She cherished every minute of it, enjoyed it to its fullest, from her first fever to her first smile, from midnight feedings to daytime naps and all the diaper changes in between. Yet somehow, it was hard to believe it was time to go back to work.

For her first day in daycare, Jing Mei chose a cute little red dress that had a ruffled hem. She put little white tights that had black polka dots on her tiny little legs. She brushed her downy black tufts of hair with a soft baby brush and slipped on a head band that matched the dress. A pair of precious red booties completed the look.

She packed her diaper bag with a couple of outfits in case she needed a change, plenty of diapers, her binky, and last, but certainly not least, she got the bottles of breast milk she'd stored up out of the refrigerator and put them in the bag.

Her bag, with everything any new breast feeding mother could possibly need, was already packed and ready to go. She put both bags in the back of the stroller. She got the sweet little jacket with the pandas on it and put it on Mei Li. Placing her in the stroller, she leaned over just inches from her daughter's face and playfully touched her nose asking "who's the prettiest little princess of all?"

She stood up and took a deep breath. She wasn't sure she was ready for this day. What made it doable is that the daycare was across the street from the hospital. She would be able to go see her daughter during her breaks. She'd be able to feed her and hold her during the day, lessening the span of time they'd be apart.

So out the door they went. Jing Mei pushed the stroller down the hall to elevator. Down the elevator to the lobby and out to the street to make the six block walk to Mei Li's day care center. The air outside was a bit brisk. She got out a receiving blanket and put it over the stroller to protect her daughter from the cool wind.

Dropping her daughter off at the daycare came with over 10 minutes of instruction and advice. It's not that they really needed it, they took care of many babies, but this was the first time they were taking care of her baby. The people were warm, loving and understanding. She guessed every first time mom did the same thing. She gave her daughter a tender embrace and kissed her goodbye. Unable to compose herself, she just let the tears fall as she left to walk across the street to the hospital.

Walking into the hospital, she was cheerfully greeted by the doctors, nurses and other medical staff she worked with who were glad to see her back. She headed into the lounge and opened her locker. She reached into her bag and got out the pictures she brought complete with magnetic frames. She put a few of her most favorite on the outside of her locker and the rest went on the inside. She slipped into her white doctor's coat and reached for her stethoscope. She pensively studied it for a moment before positioning it around her neck. Closing the door, it was time for her to be a doctor.

Her first stop was with the hospital manager to begin laying out her plan for the hospital to better meet the emergency medical needs of the community they serve. The first step was changing how the staff was structured. Emergency medicine needed to be recognized as a special skill set apart from other types of medical services. They would have to work together to identify the doctors and nurses who would become part of the new emergency department.

They would start by introducing small changes, small improvements to techniques and practices currently used by the medical staff. Grumblers would remain with the general staff. Eager adopters would be selected for the emergency department. She would build her department with the people willing to give their 100% best effort to save a life, any and all lives that came through their doors.

Knowing she had a purpose, a goal, to make emergency medicine effective and responsive in a timely, life saving manner, helped her stay focused on the medicine until her shift was over. She was just that much closer to her achieving her end: that no other family be ripped apart by a preventable death, a senseless tragedy that had struck hers.

Though she spent her lunch period at the day care center feeding her daughter, holding her in her arms, it seemed like entirely too long before her shift was over and she could take her daughter home to love on her to her heart's content, but the hour did arrive.

Half way home, she stopped in the grocery store. Mostly it was to break up the six block walk in the cool fall evening, but she also wanted to let the workers see her new daughter. She had become friendly with some of them so it was a chance for some strictly social chat. She picked up a few things for dinner and then they were back on their way home.

Arriving at home, she took off her coat and got her daughter out of the stroller. She put her in the bouncy seat on the kitchen table and made herself a little dinner. Over dinner, she told her daughter all about her day and all she hoped to accomplish at the hospital. It wasn't that she expected Mei Li to understand the content of the conversation, but the tone and manner in which she was speaking and interacting with her, would let her daughter know that she engaging her in a fun activity.

After dinner, she took her daughter into the living room and clicked on the TV. She surfed through the channels, stopping at a nighttime soap. Her daughter on her lap, they watched. She explained things to her in "the baby voice" as the show went along. After it was over, she gave her a bath and put her in a little onsie for the night. She wrapped her in a blanket and sat down in the rocker. With Mei Li nestled in her arms, she nursed her to sleep.

Baby asleep, she turned her attention back to work. She made further refinements to her training plan and wrote down some notes as to doctors and nurses she felt would make excellent candidates for the emergency department.

And so a new routine was established. It may seem mundane to some, but for Jing Mei, it was life, more abundant and complete then she had ever known it to be.


	10. Room for More

**Room for More**

Fall gave way to Winter and Winter melted into Spring. As the days passed, Mei Li grew, taking on more personality as she explored her world. Now seven months old, she had the ability to be mischievous. She could crawl across the room with lightening speed and started pulling up on the furniture. No doubt she would be an early walker.

Today, they would take the bus across town to see Rong Ning and her family. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the pleasant April wind carried the faint smell of cherry blossoms that had begun to bloom. On the way to the bus stop, she stopped at Ming's food cart for a quick bite. "How's the little princess today" he asked as he handed Mei Li a cracker.

"Teething like crazy" Jing Mei answered, as she watched Mei Li start to slobber all over the cracker.

"She'll be ready for solid food before you know it" Ming cheerfully advised.

"Not entirely a bad thing" Jing Mei replied. Not that she'd share it with Ming, but her breasts were having a hard time keeping up with her daughter's appetite.

After finishing her snack and the brief chat, they were on their way. Arriving at Rong Ning's, Yin Shi was very cute jumping up and down with excitement. Usually, they came to see Jing Mei because Mei Li was so small, but now she was big enough to come see them. Yin Shi had a new doll and some stuffed animals to show Mei Li.

Jing Mei and Rong Ning sat on the sofa and chatted as Yin Shi tried to keep up with the crawling Mei Li as she explored the room.

"You look like you're doing well, motherhood agrees with you" Rong Ning said.

"I found I love being a mother. I love watching her grow and learn about her world. Look at how cute she is!" Mei Li had crawled up on Yin Shi, causing her to plop down on the floor and roll, giggling all the way. Mei Li just continued to crawl on top of her, much to Yin Shi's delight. "I'm thinking about having another one."

"Another baby?" The comment took Rong Ning totally by surprise. "No husband, and you want another baby?"

Jing Mei nodded.

"How are you going to do that?" Rong Ning asked.

"I never corrected your story. Remember when you told Dr. Wang that my husband was in America?"

Now it was Rong Ning's turn to nod.

"Well, he's just going to send me a little something long distance, that's all."

"They can ship it?"

"Just takes money." Jing Mei answered matter-of-factly.

Rong Ning laughed at the thought. "You know you could have said that living on two different continents didn't work and you divorced…"

"It's more like I told them Mei Li's father works for the International Alliance and right now he's serving in Africa, and they pretty much assume he's my husband, I just don't correct them. Besides, this way they'll do the IUI. They wouldn't do it if they knew I was single."

"Uh huh" Rong Ning replied with an insinuating tone.

"No uh huh. I just don't want any stigma attached to her" Jing Mei countered as she watched her daughter at play.

"So how are you going to explain needing to be inseminated" Rong Ning inquired.

Jing Mei shrugged off the question "just because two people aren't in the same place at the same time, but doesn't mean they can't expand their family. Technology has made the world a smaller place, right?"

"You've given this quite a bit of thought, haven't you?"

"I really want to have another child." She was sincere and heartfelt with her comment.

"You planning on staying an American citizen?" Rong Ning asked.

"Even if I don't, the one child rule has exceptions, ways to get around it. I should qualify." Jing Mei countered.

"You know we'll be here for you." Rong Ning offered.

"Thanks." Jing Mei knew she couldn't do it without them. She was grateful to have them in her life.

Having talked it over with Rong Ning, Jing Mei was confident in her decision to have another baby. Monday, she'd make an appointment with Dr. Wang to see about the IUI procedure and get John's donation transferred here.

She'd start treatment in June, and would find herself pregnant once again by Mei Li's first birthday.


	11. The Rose

**The Rose**

Jing Mei looked at the little, sparsely decorated Christmas Tree in the corner. It was an artificial tree she found it in a store in an area of town where a lot of ex pats live; they had a reasonable selection of Christmas decorations. Christmas here was not the overblown holiday it was in Chicago. In many ways, she was glad about that.

If her mother saw her meager tree, she would laugh. Her mother loved the holiday. She always found a huge, fresh tree each year and decorated it with beautiful glass ornaments, lights and garland. The grand tree always looked Christmas Card perfect every year. There were always three parties each year: one for her mother's staff, one for her father's staff and one for their personal friends and any relatives, however distant, that were in town.

As a little girl, the parties were overwhelming and she did her best to stay out of sight, content to hide in her room. What she wouldn't give for her parents to be hosting those parties this year. This year, just like the last, and the year before, there were no parties. She missed that now. She missed her parents. With a deep sigh, she turned off the lights and went to bed.

She could go to bed of course, but that didn't mean sleep would come. This was one of the two nights each year that got the best of her. It was one of the two nights where the wrong and missing would haunt her. This was one of the two nights where she felt like a river was rushing passed her, taking with it, the people she loved, drowning her in loneliness, cutting her till her soul bled.

Her parents had been the stable force in her life, the constant she could depend on. Now they were gone and all she could do was long for their presence in vain. She was a mother herself now. There was so much she wished she could share with her own mother.

She probably missed her parents so much because there was no other half to complete her own self, no one to share her life with. It's not that she didn't want anyone, or that she didn't try. She hungered for someone to be there next to her, to face each day, and to lay next to her each night. She ached for someone to take her by the hand, and watch Mei Li grow, to be with her for the birth of this new child she carried within her, and to watch this precious life grow too.

Why didn't she have that? Was it that, as some suggested, she's too picky? Waited too long to get serious? Spent too much time on her career? Or was she just afraid to take a chance? No, she had her heart broken too many times for that.

She wanted to love. She wanted to be loved. The latter just never worked out. There were men she had genuine feelings for, wanted a serious relationship with, but it didn't happen despite her best efforts. Why? Because she wasn't going to settle for being anyone's "bang bunny", she was not put on this earth to satisfy anyone's Asian chick sexual fantasy. She wanted respect, appreciation for who and what she was as a person. It didn't seem like a lot to ask, but it sure turned out that way.

So here she was, going it alone, walking life's road without a hand to hold onto for support. Why is it other women are lucky enough to find husbands? Men that want to spend the rest of their lives with them, build homes and families with them? Why was this not a possibility for her?

Oh, she had to stop thinking this way. Yes, she would never have a husband, never have someone to stand beside her to face whatever came their way, but she wasn't exactly alone. John had enough compassion to make sure she had family. He gave her the ability to have a beautiful daughter, an amazing little person who lit up her world with her smile. And that smile, it was his smile, and growing within her right now, another precious child, again by his gift.

"Whoooooo" she sucked in a deep breath…there it was again! In the stillness of this silent night, she felt her baby's first kicks. Smiling, she closed her eyes. Underneath the bitter snow, was the seed, that in the Spring, becomes the rose.


	12. Freeze Frame

**Freeze Frame**

It was an "I'm hungry" cry. Jing Mei picked up her tiny bundle of joy, sat down on the sofa and lifted her shirt. Holding Mei Xiu to her breast, the baby quickly latched on and suckled quietly. Mei Li took note. "What are you doing Mommy?"

"Mei Xiu is hungry, I'm feeding her" she told her older daughter.

"My baby's hungry too" Mei Li stated.

She crawled up on the sofa next to her mother, and just as she'd seen her mother do, she lifted her shirt and held her baby doll to her own breast.

Jing Mei smiled at her daughter. It was one of those moments she wished she could freeze in time.

Mei Xiu, lulled to sleep at her mother's breast, was peacefully content to remain in slumber. Jing Mei got up and carefully laid her one week old baby in her basinet. She tucked in the little pink blanket around her and stepped back to admire her new little angel. She made a mental note: freeze frame.

She sat back down on the sofa and lightly stroked the back of Mei Li's hair. "Time for your baby to take a nap too" she whispered. She got up and extended her hand for her daughter to grab. Mother and daughter walked hand in hand to her bedroom, Mei Li clutching her baby doll the whole way. On arrival in her room, she looked up with her porcelain baby face framed by downy soft wisps of black hair and asked "Mommy rock us?"

Jing Mei smiled. Of course she would. She sat down in the rocker and opened her arms. Mei Li, with her baby doll wrapped in her own little arms, happily cuddled up to her mother. After mother had gently rocked daughter to sleep, Jing Mei lovingly carried her over to her big girl bed. She picked up the baby doll that fell on the floor and tucked it in next to her daughter and covered Mei Li and her baby doll with a light summer blanket.

With her girls asleep, Jing Mei had a few moments to herself. She used the time to flip through a stack of pictures. They were mostly photos Chang Hai took of Mei Xiu's birth. She arrived in the world on May 7, 2007. Unlike her sister, she was born in a hospital. As a third pregnancy's labor would likely move along faster than the first two, this time she made sure to stay at the hospital when she got "that feeling".

She continued to look through the pictures. This next one was taken between contractions. Rong Ning once again served as her coach. She moved on to the next shot. She shook her head, saying "That shutter bug husband of hers". She had told him firmly no crotch shots, but he didn't listen, she was looking at the proof. "Well these are definitely not going up on my locker" she exclaimed out loud.

A bright smile appeared on her face as she flipped to the next picture. It was from a few weeks before Mei Xiu was born. They were all on a picnic in the park and Mei Li and Yin Shi both had their ears on her tummy trying to listen to the baby. This one was definitely going on her locker door. It would join the one of Mei Li standing on a stool on her tip toes, little fingers wrapped around the top edge of the clear Lucite of the hospital bassinet, peering in to get good look at her new little sister.

Another photo sure to be on her locker was of Mei Xiu in her bassinet with the little stuffed bear Yin Shi wanted her to have. Her eyes were open and Jing Mei could already see that, although almond in shape, they were as soulful as her father's eyes.

Her father's eyes, she thought. His beautiful, precious gift allowed her to be the mother of two beautiful little girls. The family she thought she'd never have, slept peacefully just feet away. Well, until nap time was over anyway. She wasn't sure how she'd meet the demands of two little ones, but she'd figure it out.

Into the air, as if he could hear, she whispered "Thank you John. Thank you for giving me a family, love, joy and happiness. I hope that where ever you are, you have these too."

That said, and the girls still quietly napping, she laid down for a bit rest herself. She'd need it. After all, she was now the mother of two.


	13. News Flash

**News Account**

Like any other weekday night at 10pm, the girls were asleep in their room and Jing Mei was at work on her laptop. She was working on improved procedures for burn wounds and had found an interesting article written up in a medical journal. She used her search engine to find sources of information to cross reference the procedures contained in the article.

In this process, she happened upon a link to the Chicago Tribune. It caught her eye because the small description under the link mentioned that a Cook County Hospital doctor was caught in an explosion. She thought it was probably Romano versus exploding helicopter falling from the sky. She clicked on the link as that particular incident involved a lot of burn injuries, but the link was not about the burning helicopter that killed Romano at all. It was about an event that happened just hours ago.

She read on even as the pit of her stomach found room to drop. Audibly she gasped "oh my God!" It was Gregg Pratt. He died as a result of his injuries when an ambulance exploded. She sat back in her chair not fully able to assimilate the news.

It was not that she still harbored any romantic feelings for him, more that he was so young and so alive and the tragedy was so senseless. He was a really good doctor. This was a serious loss to medicine, and more specifically, to County.

She pondered over the time they had worked together, the work she'd seen him do. She remembered that even after they broke up, he was still her friend. Actually, he was a better friend after they broke up. It was such a shame, such a tragic, senseless loss.

She thought about calling County, but after four years, would there even be anyone that remembered her? Would it mean anything to anyone to let them know how much loss she felt for them?

A few key strokes led her to his obituary. She stared at it for a long while.

She picked up her phone and fingers shaking, she dialed.

Her voice quivering, she told the person on the other end of the line "I'd like to send flowers please".

"United States, Chicago."

"Davidson's Funeral Home, on Kilbourn Avenue".

"Pratt, Gregg Pratt."

"The sentiment?" She thought for a moment. It was hard to know what to say at this point. She was still numb from the shock. She took a deep breath to try and compose herself, and simply told the florist to write "My thoughts and prayers are with you."

"Chen, Jing Mei Chen..."

"My card? Just a minute" She got her purse and rummaged through it. Even the simple task of getting her wallet and retrieving her credit card proved challenging for her shaking fingers.

Having provided the billing information, she hung up the phone. She buried her face in her hands, and alone in the night, she cried.


	14. Of Toddlers and Traumas

**Of Toddlers and Traumas**

"Let's review" she told her students "If you have no epi, you can use Vasopressin. If you give Vasopressin, you have to wait 10 minutes before you can give any other vasoconstrictor. You cannot use Vasopressin again for that code. You can only use epi after you've used Vasopressin." She looked at all the bobbing heads. "So who can tell me what went wrong here?" The heads had stopped bobbing. "Which nurse was keeping time?" She was looking at a sea of vacuous stares. "Was there a nurse keeping time?" She felt rather Weaverish when she said it. It was an odd sensation to be sure.

"I was keeping time Dr. Chen" Nurse Han spoke up.

Looking directly at Nurse Han, Dr. Chen asked "What was the time on the Vasopressin push?"

She consulted her chart, "10:19 doctor"

"And the epi was pushed at what time?" Dr. Chen pressed

Looking again at her chart, she answered "10:27"

She turned to face her students. "Critical in any trauma, but especially one in asystole, is the chart nurse. She's there for a life and death reason. You need to know who she is and you need to consult her before you order the push. It's your responsibility as the doctor." She was stern and authoritative. She wanted to make sure each one of them thoroughly understood the consequences of not just their actions, but also the actions they failed to take.

"Dr. Chen" one of the students spoke up "was there any chance he would live?"

She exhaled forcefully, "slim to none, but that doesn't mean you don't try. That doesn't mean you don't give it 100% of your best effort. That wasn't just a patient on the table, that was a man, someone's husband, maybe a father." In her head, she could hear Dr. Greene at County give the same speech back when she was a med student. That was the second flashback to County in just a matter of moments, how odd, she thought.

She led the group over to the front desk and started to process the rack. "Okay, Yang: itchy red rash in 2, Zhou: take wound suture in 1, Feng: weak and dizzy in 4 and Xiong: belly pain in 6. Get a complete history, vitals, and order labs before reporting back to me."

She took a moment to reflect on the progress she'd been able to achieve in the three and a half years since she started the pilot program. They still weren't at the efficiency of the Chicago ER she came from, but they were certainly a lot closer than when she arrived. Survival rates on traumas were looking much better. Triage procedures were now in place and working well. There was still plenty of work to do, but overall, things were coming along.

All of a sudden a cold shudder came over her, like a ghost had passed through her. She tried to shake the feeling of dread off, but to no avail. She tried to get on with her day, to focus, but she couldn't get passed the feeling something awful was unfolding. Unnerved, she decided to get her daughters and go home.

She hurried across the street to the preschool. Mei Li was now 3 ½ years old and insisted she was too big to go to a day care center, so overnight and much to Mei Li's personal delight, the daycare became preschool. She went to Mei Li's class first. Her teacher was surprised to see Jing Mei this early, as she was faithfully there at 5:30 each day. Her daughter spotted her and came running over. "Mommy needs a hug" she told her, and Mei Li was ready with a big one.

Happy and satisfied Mei Li was fine, she went to Mei Xiu's room next. At 22 months, she wasn't quite big enough for the 2 year old class. Mei Xiu's teacher was also surprised to see her early and asked if anything was wrong. Jing Mei explained the irrational feeling of dread she was experiencing and the need to make sure her girls were okay. Mei Xiu came running when she saw her mom talking to the teacher. Jing Mei kneeled down and opened her arms to embrace her daughter in great big hug.

She packed each of her daughters' bags in the stroller. The girls hopped on board, and they headed home. Though she knew her girls were safe, she still couldn't shake the feeling something awful was happening. They typically stopped in the market on the way home but she was apprehensive to make the stop this time.

Jing Mei had brought up her girls to be creatures of habit, a necessity for any single mom, but this afternoon that would work against her. When she announced they wouldn't stop in the market today, both girls started to throw a tantrum. They were accustomed to getting a snack, a piece of fruit for the rest of the ride home.

Flustered and unable to control the tantrum in any other way, she gave in. Turning into the market, the girls calmed down. Per their normal routine, each girl selected a piece of fruit and Jing Mei picked up what she needed to make dinner that night. A tough task as she didn't have any kind of appetite in the middle of the afternoon.

Once home, the girls quickly separated themselves from the stroller and went off to their room in search of toys to scatter about. Jing Mei unpacked her groceries and the girls' bags. She put the stroller away. Though all appeared normal, she still suffered this feeling of dread.

She turned on the TV and flipped through the channels looking for the news network. She had just started monitoring world events when the girls came in wanting to watch cartoons. "How about we let mommy watch the news while we play a game together?" Jing Mei suggested.

"Cartoons, Mommy, please?" Mei Li asked with a hint of insistence. In no mood to deal with a second temper tantrum, Jing Mei struck another deal. She flipped through more channels, finally landing on something they could all agree on. They ended up watching a TV show about a widowed mother with two children, one of whom was called Yin Shi.

When the show over, Mei Li, who was seated on the floor, turned and asked "Mommy are you a widow?"

Jing Mei took a moment to consider her answer. She knew this day would come, but why this day? Wasn't it enough that she was dealing with this feeling of dread?

"Why do you ask Sweetie?"

"We don't have a Daddy, do we Mommy?"

Jing Mei rose from her seated position on the sofa and sat down next to her daughter on the floor. "Yes, you have a Daddy, everyone has a Daddy, even when you don't see him."

"Who is our Daddy? Mommy, why don't we get to see him?"

Jing Mei closed her eyes and said a quick prayer for the wisdom to know what to say and the strength to say it. She opened her arms and scooped both girls close to herself, keeping them in her embrace.

"You're Daddy is someone very special to Mommy. He's good and he's kind and he's sweet. He loved Mommy enough to want me to not ever be alone. He knew he had to go to a far away place, a very dangerous place. He had to go because the people there needed a doctor, but most doctors won't go to such a dangerous place. So before he left, he gave Mommy a very special gift. And that was a way for me to have the two of you." She smiled at her girls and stroked their hair.

Satisfied with the answer, Mei Li was up and running off to another activity, her little sister toddling behind her. Jing Mei was sure that wasn't the end of it. There'd be more questions down the road, but it left her to ponder. He was in a very dangerous place. Was this the dread she was feeling? Did something awful happen to John? She bit her lip. Her mind wandered back through the years, recalling how competitive they were as med students, the jokes they played on each other as residents, how they were there for each other through not just work challenges, but stabbings and addictions and adoptions and death. He was the father of her children, and he didn't even know.

She needed to find him. She just didn't know how. Maybe that was what this feeling was all about. She didn't have a working phone number, a forwarding address or an email address for him. She couldn't send to a letter simply addressed to John Carter, Congo, Africa. She took a deep breath and began flipping through channels, looking once again for the news.

Half way around the world, in an ER in Chicago, John Carter went down in the middle of a trauma. He now lay in a hospital bed awaiting a priority one kidney transplant. Holding on to life, but for what? His wife was noticeably absent during his entire bout with a disease that ravaged beyond repair the one kidney that had still worked. He was alone and lonely and facing a grievously serious health crisis...


End file.
